Some of the way I am feeling actually started a while ago, with wiping some messages off the dry eraser board from the previous apartment, written by someone I still care very deeply for. They were there for a few years... don’t ask me why I let them stay on there as long as I did… Probably just me being sentimental, stupid, or something… I dunno. Probably shoud have been erased a long time agao, way before the actual moving. The transition of moving into this new apartment today is the final day of the “Old Days”. This isn’t to say that I’m cutting ties or anything like that, but I am definitely done dealing with some issues/people. I’m done with “fair-weather friends”… I only want to keep those in my life that I feel are important and want me in their lives and consider me, my friendship and all important to them.

I know sometimes I question long periods of silence and wonder if the bonds of friendship are still there. Sometimes I may feel that things are drifting apart. If I feel that way then please if I bring it up... just reassure me that things are good. I don't think that is too much to ask. I know sometimes I can be a little high maintenence, but I don't question things without a reason...

On a side note… I’m done with a number of things, and not going to hold onto the past, dead hopes, and stupid things like that. The only thing I will take from the past are the lessons learned, but also one thing in particular… I do know what I want in a more general sense when it comes to a relationship and through what I've been through now have some high standards and expectations. I’m not trying to be self-centered and whatnot though… That standard being... I will definitely measure things up to the ship that sailed away. That "ship" being one of my previous relationships and a bit of a metaphore. That will be the “standard” if you will. I hope to find someone that truly wants me, and willing do whatever it takes to be with me, and in turn I do everything within my power to make things work. I mean that’s what it takes right? Compromising and things and wanting to be there for the other. I’d say that is kinda the bare minimum, but that’s me. I want something special that is emotionally on that deep of a level, like what I had or even better. I hope for something that just blows me out of the water. Will I find it? I dunno… I’m not looking, and some of the closest relationships I’ve been in were ones I happened into while not looking. Even then things didn't turn out... *sighs* Till then though things are just the status quo, and don’t see them changing, but not closing any doors… I may be a little jaded, possibly a little bitter, and a lot more hesitant than I was before… more cautious and afraid… I just don’t like hurting anyone or being hurt. Doesn't mean I am not interested, but neither am I exactly going to be forward about anything. I'm just also not sure how to go about things myself at times truthfully...

I’m definitely not going to be as open with what I post to my LJ or my inner feelings. Even when I make an entry unable to be commented on sometimes it has just seemed to stir up drama, or people misinterpret my feelings, and have even had some people get angered because I posted anything, even when I don’t mention names or anything of that nature… I’m not trying to stir up anything, but at times just letting people know what’s going on with me, and my inner feelings. I’m just done with the drama in general. *sighs* This isn't any kind of plea for attention and whatnot. If people really want to know what is up and really know me then I whole heartedly invite anyone to definitely get in touch with me. I’m semi going to be closing myself off and not going to be as open in general. I’m also going to cull the LJ list here and make things more manageable as well as trim it to friends I do know, and add only those that I do know and vice versa.

I’m just going to go about with a lot of changes in general. I’ve been also looking inside myself, doing a lot of soul searching as it were… I know I’m not perfect, never will be, but hey no one else is either right? I'm definitely gonna make things better, both inside and out.
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