Today I just really don’t want to be at work… I couldn’t really get to sleep and I didn’t sleep to well either last night, mulling over the previous events transpired and I am not feeling up to things right now, and most certainly am not exactly feeling all that strong inside right now. Things happen for a reason, and perhaps I needed something like this to happen to really realize that I need to toughen up those inner defenses, not let things get so close, or be so fast to open up to others, or to be so trusting… Friendship wise... and whatnot. I think some I have just been allowing myself to be open to all kinds of hurt, and being walked over emotionally, and just in general. I definitely feel some I’m a nice guy, and fall prey to that old “adage”… *sighs, shaking his head*

I felt something was off Monday after getting back from my trip and finishing my errands, in the evening, and some all yesterday… Something just felt… “wrong”… After getting home from visiting with my usual Tuesday group of friends it seems that that feeling was definitely not unfounded. *sighs* It was with someone else, but involving me. I’m not going into any details, not wanting to cause any drama, but am feeling a little down and hurt. Partly I'm venting here... releasing the frustration, and letting go. Seems I caused a little pain to someone with my own actions or inaction, or how I came off… and simple things being misinterpreted... and I feel just feel so stupid… It just hurts seeing things that were so close, start drifting apart you know? :/ Perhaps blaming myself more on things, than I should, when in any situation it takes two to tango... Yea I know I tend to be hard on myself, but I am trying to be better…

I’m just going to take the lessons learned, from what transpired, and use that and still try to continue with my new years resolution on trying to be a better person. I’ve still got a long way to go… I’m not perfect by any means, and never will be… I just wish I knew what I really wanted out of life right now. Some of the things that transpired make me feel like closing my own doors, and not be very open at all... Not be as trusting of others. For it seems every time I do, things end up going wrong. I just wish something would go right for once, even not in a relationship, just opening up on a deep level with someone, even just trying to have a deep bond of friendship and all... I am not one to tease others, sabotage things, that isn't who I am or how I do things... I never try to come off like that. I do like trying to do things that I think others will enjoy though... I do put others before myself, not meaning I'm subservient or anything though... *shrugs* I just feel so very unsure, of many things especially in myself, sometimes not sure how to act, or present myself, or how to react to others and things of that nature. In some situations, especially those pertaining to relationships that start going to more than just friendships... Or someone perceiving something from me... and me not sure how to go about anything... Or my perception of things... *sighs* Perhaps both sides seeing something that isn’t really there, or interpreting things incorrectly… Not that there isn't interest persay... I just don’t know… *lowers his head, ears drooping*

This isn’t any kind of plea for sympathy or pity… I’m just airing my thoughts, and this might be the last I do of this nature on this journal. I am also thinking of taking a bit of an online hiatus, re-gather my thoughts… Take in and re-evaluate everything… Take my own ‘sabbatical’ from things in general. Like if "god gives you lemons"... "You find a new god"! kind of thing... *chuckles* That's about all the humor you'll get out of me for now...

I continue though, to move forward, putting one foot in front of the other, down that long road which we call life. Ever learning, ever pushing, striving for something, perhaps not fully attainable, but I’d like to think “set one’s goals high”, and try reaching and not settling for second best… I just still need to properly set goals, or perhaps set more attainable ones. Figure out what I really want… in life and in general… Gain some confidence perhaps… I don’t know…

I just feel so lost, and in many ways very much alone…

I’m not even sure if I should leave comments for this post… I think I will, but will have them screened. This isn’t any plea for attention or anything of that nature… I may be around here or there, if anyone wants to talk… I’m sorry in advance… to everyone. I care about you all, and in some cases, perhaps I care TOO much… I just think I also need some time to myself here… *disappears down a winding road*
Happy f'n new year eh? I really thought that things might go right for me for once... Boy was I just deceiving myself.

I know this will make some people happy... No I hadn't really mentioned much in this journal that I was with someone. That person being [livejournal.com profile] hydra_velsen (Hydra Shaftoe of SL). I had been keeping it mostly drama free and not been trying to cause undo stress and whatnot... Kept those aspects of my life under wraps and not speaking much on it... Not really letting anyone here on my lj know. Mainly as I wasn't sure of things myself... Perhaps I should have done better. *shrugs* I don't know. He broke up with me once before and yet I let him back into my life, gave him a second chance... and for what? To have my heart which was still hurt and slowly being mended get shattered yet again. I should have been the one doing the breaking up, but... *shrugs* I saw this coming, yet I still let it happen. Especially after how he's been acting towards me with things online. Seeing how on SL he just recently removed me from being able to see where he was on the map... I told him as I felt before, if he did that it was already over... Guess what? Looks like I was right... Do you hide from the one you "love"? Only unless you have something to hide...

He seems to care more about other things like Second Life, his career, "success", "popularity"... His life now in Virginia... That these things or others were more important. More important than love and a life with me... I thought I saw past the online "facade", and the person I knew and love was slowly dying away... The person who at [livejournal.com profile] thegreenarcher's recent party in December said if it was at all legal that wanted to "marry" me... Spend his life with me. Really made me feel like things were going in the right direction, that things would be okay... Why did I let myself be taken in by lies like that? *sighs*

Though, like in Charles Dickens "Christmas Carol" I was like Isabel, seeing the things I love die off slowly one by one... One of the main things that drew me to him was his perseverance, and that he really seemed like he wanted me, after having his "mid life crisis" (or as he called it... "a moment of stupid") when he broke up with me last year in March. Yea mistakes were made on both ends, but nothing that couldn't have been worked out... He says his moving to VA he feels WAS a big mistake, and yes it was, obviously partly, and possibly ultimately costing this relationship... *sighs and shrugs* If he really wanted this it could have worked. Even if atm with me and college and things being long distance, because other things long distance have worked, and such... Just takes use of the resources you have. Most of this was mistakes made on his end, but I wasn't blameless either... Any relationship takes some work. Like a rough, flawed diamond that needs polishing and cutting, slowly refined into something exquisite and beautiful. That's what could've been had, but not any more.

We got back together and I was stupid enough to let that happen, even when I felt this may happen. I tried my hardest not to let things happen, but it can't be one way. It takes two wanting things, and willing to fight and work together to fix and mend and make compromises... I really wanted to believe... Obviously he didn't want this bad enough... Obviously I wasn't important enough to him, or what he REALLY wanted. Seems what he wants in life is fickle and changes semi easily... *sighs* Should have seen the red flags a mile away... Why have I been so blind or deceived myself... I wish I really knew...

I keep trying to fix things and in the end am left with a heart that's been shattered to pieces... Perhaps I try too hard, or not enough? I just don't know... I feel like obviously no matter what I try things will end in failure in the relationship department. Yes I know that most of things here weren't with me. I know right now these feelings I shouldn't be having... I shouldn't be beating myself up like this... I just really wanted things to work right in my life for once...

It roughly happened tonight 1/7/2007 around 11pm... After talking on the phone... Trying to work things out, but ultimately... For norhing.

I wanted to prove everyone wrong... I was warned by quite a lot of my close friends... Well you all were right... I was totally f'n wrong. I did listen, but I just... *sighs* I don't even know what the hell to do anymore... Oh don't worry this second chance was the last and only, there is no going back from this... I just can't take it anymore... I just feel stupid, very broken up inside and want to hide away and disappear.

I'm sorry everyone... I can't seem to do anything right... I gave up so many things, and for what... Hurting others, and especially myself.

I bet he'll easily get over this, he broke up with me once before right? I'll get over this... I was partly prepared for this, but regardless... it still hurts. *cries*

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