Today I just really don’t want to be at work… I couldn’t really get to sleep and I didn’t sleep to well either last night, mulling over the previous events transpired and I am not feeling up to things right now, and most certainly am not exactly feeling all that strong inside right now. Things happen for a reason, and perhaps I needed something like this to happen to really realize that I need to toughen up those inner defenses, not let things get so close, or be so fast to open up to others, or to be so trusting… Friendship wise... and whatnot. I think some I have just been allowing myself to be open to all kinds of hurt, and being walked over emotionally, and just in general. I definitely feel some I’m a nice guy, and fall prey to that old “adage”… *sighs, shaking his head*

I felt something was off Monday after getting back from my trip and finishing my errands, in the evening, and some all yesterday… Something just felt… “wrong”… After getting home from visiting with my usual Tuesday group of friends it seems that that feeling was definitely not unfounded. *sighs* It was with someone else, but involving me. I’m not going into any details, not wanting to cause any drama, but am feeling a little down and hurt. Partly I'm venting here... releasing the frustration, and letting go. Seems I caused a little pain to someone with my own actions or inaction, or how I came off… and simple things being misinterpreted... and I feel just feel so stupid… It just hurts seeing things that were so close, start drifting apart you know? :/ Perhaps blaming myself more on things, than I should, when in any situation it takes two to tango... Yea I know I tend to be hard on myself, but I am trying to be better…

I’m just going to take the lessons learned, from what transpired, and use that and still try to continue with my new years resolution on trying to be a better person. I’ve still got a long way to go… I’m not perfect by any means, and never will be… I just wish I knew what I really wanted out of life right now. Some of the things that transpired make me feel like closing my own doors, and not be very open at all... Not be as trusting of others. For it seems every time I do, things end up going wrong. I just wish something would go right for once, even not in a relationship, just opening up on a deep level with someone, even just trying to have a deep bond of friendship and all... I am not one to tease others, sabotage things, that isn't who I am or how I do things... I never try to come off like that. I do like trying to do things that I think others will enjoy though... I do put others before myself, not meaning I'm subservient or anything though... *shrugs* I just feel so very unsure, of many things especially in myself, sometimes not sure how to act, or present myself, or how to react to others and things of that nature. In some situations, especially those pertaining to relationships that start going to more than just friendships... Or someone perceiving something from me... and me not sure how to go about anything... Or my perception of things... *sighs* Perhaps both sides seeing something that isn’t really there, or interpreting things incorrectly… Not that there isn't interest persay... I just don’t know… *lowers his head, ears drooping*

This isn’t any kind of plea for sympathy or pity… I’m just airing my thoughts, and this might be the last I do of this nature on this journal. I am also thinking of taking a bit of an online hiatus, re-gather my thoughts… Take in and re-evaluate everything… Take my own ‘sabbatical’ from things in general. Like if "god gives you lemons"... "You find a new god"! kind of thing... *chuckles* That's about all the humor you'll get out of me for now...

I continue though, to move forward, putting one foot in front of the other, down that long road which we call life. Ever learning, ever pushing, striving for something, perhaps not fully attainable, but I’d like to think “set one’s goals high”, and try reaching and not settling for second best… I just still need to properly set goals, or perhaps set more attainable ones. Figure out what I really want… in life and in general… Gain some confidence perhaps… I don’t know…

I just feel so lost, and in many ways very much alone…

I’m not even sure if I should leave comments for this post… I think I will, but will have them screened. This isn’t any plea for attention or anything of that nature… I may be around here or there, if anyone wants to talk… I’m sorry in advance… to everyone. I care about you all, and in some cases, perhaps I care TOO much… I just think I also need some time to myself here… *disappears down a winding road*


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