Today I just really don’t want to be at work… I couldn’t really get to sleep and I didn’t sleep to well either last night, mulling over the previous events transpired and I am not feeling up to things right now, and most certainly am not exactly feeling all that strong inside right now. Things happen for a reason, and perhaps I needed something like this to happen to really realize that I need to toughen up those inner defenses, not let things get so close, or be so fast to open up to others, or to be so trusting… Friendship wise... and whatnot. I think some I have just been allowing myself to be open to all kinds of hurt, and being walked over emotionally, and just in general. I definitely feel some I’m a nice guy, and fall prey to that old “adage”… *sighs, shaking his head*

I felt something was off Monday after getting back from my trip and finishing my errands, in the evening, and some all yesterday… Something just felt… “wrong”… After getting home from visiting with my usual Tuesday group of friends it seems that that feeling was definitely not unfounded. *sighs* It was with someone else, but involving me. I’m not going into any details, not wanting to cause any drama, but am feeling a little down and hurt. Partly I'm venting here... releasing the frustration, and letting go. Seems I caused a little pain to someone with my own actions or inaction, or how I came off… and simple things being misinterpreted... and I feel just feel so stupid… It just hurts seeing things that were so close, start drifting apart you know? :/ Perhaps blaming myself more on things, than I should, when in any situation it takes two to tango... Yea I know I tend to be hard on myself, but I am trying to be better…

I’m just going to take the lessons learned, from what transpired, and use that and still try to continue with my new years resolution on trying to be a better person. I’ve still got a long way to go… I’m not perfect by any means, and never will be… I just wish I knew what I really wanted out of life right now. Some of the things that transpired make me feel like closing my own doors, and not be very open at all... Not be as trusting of others. For it seems every time I do, things end up going wrong. I just wish something would go right for once, even not in a relationship, just opening up on a deep level with someone, even just trying to have a deep bond of friendship and all... I am not one to tease others, sabotage things, that isn't who I am or how I do things... I never try to come off like that. I do like trying to do things that I think others will enjoy though... I do put others before myself, not meaning I'm subservient or anything though... *shrugs* I just feel so very unsure, of many things especially in myself, sometimes not sure how to act, or present myself, or how to react to others and things of that nature. In some situations, especially those pertaining to relationships that start going to more than just friendships... Or someone perceiving something from me... and me not sure how to go about anything... Or my perception of things... *sighs* Perhaps both sides seeing something that isn’t really there, or interpreting things incorrectly… Not that there isn't interest persay... I just don’t know… *lowers his head, ears drooping*

This isn’t any kind of plea for sympathy or pity… I’m just airing my thoughts, and this might be the last I do of this nature on this journal. I am also thinking of taking a bit of an online hiatus, re-gather my thoughts… Take in and re-evaluate everything… Take my own ‘sabbatical’ from things in general. Like if "god gives you lemons"... "You find a new god"! kind of thing... *chuckles* That's about all the humor you'll get out of me for now...

I continue though, to move forward, putting one foot in front of the other, down that long road which we call life. Ever learning, ever pushing, striving for something, perhaps not fully attainable, but I’d like to think “set one’s goals high”, and try reaching and not settling for second best… I just still need to properly set goals, or perhaps set more attainable ones. Figure out what I really want… in life and in general… Gain some confidence perhaps… I don’t know…

I just feel so lost, and in many ways very much alone…

I’m not even sure if I should leave comments for this post… I think I will, but will have them screened. This isn’t any plea for attention or anything of that nature… I may be around here or there, if anyone wants to talk… I’m sorry in advance… to everyone. I care about you all, and in some cases, perhaps I care TOO much… I just think I also need some time to myself here… *disappears down a winding road*
khyle: (Smell the Roses)
( Jun. 25th, 2008 10:22 am)
I think perhaps this is the cynical or pessimistic side of me talking but some here lately I've slowly been feeling sort of detached from things in general… Some of this post I probably should have posted a nice while back, just unfortunately some things remain "close to the heart" even long after things should have been buried. Some things now have come to be realized after letting go of some burdens. It is hard to explain to tell the truth. I'm not sure how to describe it really. Lately I find it hard to "put my heart" into things I guess you could say. Sometimes it feels hard for me to put passion into the things I do. Some days things are fine, others kind of blah, the usual ups and downs, and other times a little more than just the usual doldrums. I feel unsure of myself and lots of times feel so alone inside and also some I feel like I'm worthless... My heart feels "deadened", detached kinda... Things just feel hollow, "distant", and empty. Most things are going fine, truthfully... it's just hard to describe these feelings that happen every now and then, sometimes staying for a while, but eventually they go away… These feelings will pass. I'm just venting here… I'm not trying to be bitter, or mean, or anything else. So please bear with this rambling wolf, just getting things off my chest...

I know I shouldn't feel that way. I have my good days and bad days. I have lots of good things going for me as well. Some days feel like I'm just "going through the motions"… I know other people feel like this. Sometimes it's just the usual dull routine consisting of "wake up", "work", "eat", "sleep", and just keep on repeating that cycle pretty much. I do hang with friends and have fun and stuff. I have fun and am fun to be around and stuff. What I'm more talking about isn't the usual day-to-day… as I said before it's hard to describe. I work to make a living, make money, and then use that money for things… I save for the future, what kind of future… I'm not sure. *shrugs* The future is uncertain, but I do what I can, especially for friends and people I care about. I even try my best to help out others to the best of my ability.

Recent case in point: I helped out a former co-worker... (who I felt was kind of a friend) and unfortunately things in her life have been going very downhill... I don't think I'm ever going to see a dime of the money I let her borrow. I am happy I helped, but she hasn't been trying to keep in touch or anything… I thought a lot better of her, but now have been hearing some rumors around work about her and how she was fired from here have been making me second guess if I should have given her the amount I did. *shrugs* Too late now, but at least I did help some, but next time around with anyone I will be a bit more cautious, and/or not give that much money to help. *sighs* It just feels some like I try my best for others and end up getting burned... In truth it wasn't about the money it was to help someone and at least I did accomplish that...

Back to what this was going on about in regards to the title of this post as I've been rambling a little… I guess I tend to do that, but I'd like to think that some of my long written posts give people insight into the person that is me, my views, my thoughts, and what makes up "me"… Granted I'm not the greatest writer. I'm not always the most open with my thoughts. I am not an "open book", but I do try to let people know how things are with me. I guess I've just been slowly coming to a few realizations in life some brought on by some very hard lessons learned and things of that nature. So without further ado...

I've come to realize that it seems at least to me like there is No Such Thing...

As a "knight in shining armor"… At least not for me anyway... Well I try to be one, and be there for others that I care about, but in the sense I'm more talking about is the more romantic sense... Here's a question for you… What happens when a knight in shining armor needs another knight in shining armor? I've asked myself that question many times... Some I wonder if I tried hard enough, because at times I've felt like the world's biggest fool when it comes to relationships, especially in the area of second chances... I have felt some that on the other end they didn't try their hardest for me. *shrugs* Perhaps a little selfish way to look at things... I don't know... I'm not trying to be unfair... if I had the capability and wasn't tied down at the time with school a couple years ago, I thought of moving over seas myself... I have still thought of doing that... I wish I had done better on my end to convey my feelings, and things unsaid... Communication is a big thing in any kind of relationship from friendship all the way to mates. Sometimes things precious do need to be protected, and time apart can put a strain on things, when the bond is that deep and there is a need and longing to be with the one you love. Distance is a hindering factor unfortunately... Long distance relationships are so hard... I know this from experience... *sighs* I try to protect those I care for, but what about when, say someone needs protecting? Aren't some things worth protecting? I guess I wasn't worth it... *lowers his head* I know to me there are some things worth more than all the money in the world and worth fighting for... Just here lately I have felt rather worthless in the eyes of some... Because obviously I wasn't really worth anything, or enough really... :/ *sighs* Not enough to be with in the end...

For those wondering, here's a VERY brief summary. These feelings have stemmed from a long distance relationship with someone very dear to me over seas that got torn asunder a couple years ago, when someone closer in the US tried getting close to me. I still feel so stupid over some of what happened, because I broke up with the guy overseas (that I loved more), because it was mostly dealing with me being unsure if things would work out and that we'd be able to be together... Not sure on him moving to be with me. I was stuck in school at the time, and unable to go anywhere. At first no real set time-frame for us to be together until someone else came into the picture. (Or at least that is how it felt to me) Then, it was going to be around 3+ years before we could be together, due to money and varying factors, and I fell pray to my own insecurities and doubt. Even friends of mine and my brother thought that was definitely a very unfair set of circumstances, and doubted that the one overseas would move here... That lots could change in that kind of timespan. So I broke up with the one over seas, though things with the one here in the US didn't last. Believe me I made many mistakes, like giving the person who was here in the US a second chance, because I didn't even think I had a second chance with the guy from overseas. If things had been made more aware to me I wouldn't have given that second chance to the other guy, but hind sight is 20/20... Things happened and now here I am… Not with anyone, ripped to shreds inside, and nothing to really show for it except a broken heart that has been mending and me trying to build a wall around it, unsure of letting anyone that close to me again. The one overseas and I still have a special bond that even he has acknowledged, even him going to the point of saying that we are "soul mates", but especially lately... I find myself questioning even that... Well not questioning, exactly, but things have definitely felt more "distant" before we even got together, and during things that happened the past couple years. Things definitely haven't felt that close here lately. I find myself wondering because once I had felt like there might be the possibility of getting back together, possibly a 3rd chance. That though, I've felt things dwindling away slowly. He has said that he still cares for me and can't rule out the possibility, but within that 3/4yr. time frame that he gave me after all this has happened it seems he's found someone there locally to be with. *sighs* That was one of my greatest fears, even before anyone else came into the picture on my end, before things happened, and it looks like it definitely came true. He even has said he still has feelings for me and that there is still a possibility of things between us, but he's with someone right now... So... tables turned it is me echoing things on my end that he went through with me and the other person here in the US. I know his feelings have waned, where mine really hadn't. I'm not trying to get between him and this other person... The person that he is with though, is real lucky... He's with someone very special, that I still care for and love. In the end I just want him to be happy. I should just give up on him and me... I just wish things had been different... I can't really compare to someone who he's able to see on a regular basis. He says they're happy... Just wish it was me that made him happy. If only I had been enough for him to really come to be with me sooner, and none of this would have happened in the first place. *sighs* I'm not trying to be unfair here, or hurt anyone's feelings or badmouth, but this is really how I've felt for the longest time...

I know I'm not perfect, far from it... I'm working on things… I'm still trying to be a better person, for myself, and for others. I don't know what people see in me... People say that I'm a "nice guy", "handsome", "cute", and other things of that nature, and I personally don't think I match any of those descriptions. I wish I did, truth be told… Granted I am usually very modest and such, a little shy, because in my mind, if I was "all that and a bag of chips" then why are things like they are now? If I was all that special... *sighs* I'm not something special or all that... I've already been shown before I am not... Or else someone would be here with me right now... I really wonder what people have even seen in me, but that's beside the point. I just seem to be very unlucky. I just wish things would go right for me for a change in the whole "love" thing... or really just in the grand scheme of things. Some, it just feels like I can't seem to do anything right ever. Perhaps some things are not all my fault, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

I'm done looking at what has been over and done... It isn't going to change what is here and now. I still will remember many of the good times, but especially when I needed a ship to come to port one wasn't there... Things would have turned out VERY different, and I wish more than anything... but *sighs* When I needed someone... something else got in the way be it job/career, internet popularity and such in one case... or say a car, money/finances, or something like pride. Something that got in the way of love... Some reasons valid, to a point... Some, not so much... I've made some bad decisions here and there, definitely made some mistakes and learned from them. I know I'm definitely paying for them dearly. I am not co-dependent or "need" to be with anyone, it's just that... Sometimes I find myself wishing I had someone by my side... It doesn't matter to me male or female, as I've been with both, and believe me I know both sides have their own baggage... Even myself. I just would like someone more than just a friend, wanting someone to share my life and soul with, but I don't think that is ever going to happen... Perhaps I'm too much of a romantic at heart. I do not want someone to be with necessarily to protect me. I can take care of myself, but in the end I'm tougher for what I have been through. I don't really "need" to be protected. I wish I could remove these lonely feelings from my heart... *lowers his head* I shouldn't be feeling like this, especially after how long it's been, and yet... :/ I wish I could stop my heart from yearning at times... All it has really ever gotten me is a lot of pain.

When I look back on things I burdened myself a bit too much, lots of things weren't all "my" fault. But... what's done is done and all that. I know I have issues myself. Everyone does... We live, learn, deal with people's differences, and grow. That is how friendships and deep bonds are formed. One thing I know is I'm not the only one who has issues with this, which is dealing with charity and not wanting to receive any, and more than willing to give to others… I know a lot of those feelings, all too well. I never like to feel indebted to anyone. There is a difference though. Wanting to make it on your own is one thing, but no can always be a rock of Gibraltar. Sometimes to go the distance for the one you love it takes a leap of faith and being there for one another. I'd be willing to go to the ends of the earth, and would do whatever it takes... but only for the right reasons, but those are slowly dwindling… *sighs* Perhaps some I'm being a hypocrite, but I know this from experience, as I've tried standing alone. In truth some, I've been finding myself feeling just fine with being alone, and not really needing anyone. I have lots of things going for me, some great friends, and things like that... I just wish I could rid myself of some of these feelings, and things of that nature...

I try not to focus on things... I've really been trying not to. *grumbles* I just can't seem to get things to get out of the back of my head, or things out of my heart. I still some feel like just fully giving up, much as I hate to do so... It feels like every month since January has been where the feelings of being "detached" and "distant" have been coming from... Since it seems that small glimmer of hope is dying. I don't really want to give up because of how deep my feelings are and how much I love him, but in the end... I have to face facts... I wasn't what he REALLY wanted, not enough to make that leap of faith a few years ago. I was more than willing to help use my own funds to bring him here, and support us, because I wanted him to be with me that badly... I've been saving for the future, and I wanted him to be with me in that "future"... *shrugs* He didn't want my help. I guess I wasn't worth crossing the ocean for or worth protecting... When all I really needed was him... to have and to hold... to alleviate all doubts and fears that I had... Perhaps I didn't voice my feelings or uncertainties properly, or make some things as apparent, but still... We possibly needed to communicate things better on different levels... *sighs* It doesn't really matter now... Perhaps it's better this way... *lowers his head, wiping away tears* I don't know why I still feel like I do after everything... I still love him dearly. At least the good thing is that I am pretty much over things. I just want him to be happy, even if I am not in the picture. In some ways I feel it best to possibly just disappear... *sighs* It isn't like that will be much of a change to how things currently have been recently on his end...

I will never forget someone who I have such a deep bond with... It's just been so hard to fully move on. I know he already did, but I'm just about there... Slowly but surely. Much as I wish I could change things, it isn't up to me... One thing we can always be certain of is that things change, people, places, everything... I just really need to learn when to give up, as well as when to take my losses, and fade away... and know where I'm not really wanted. I am done lamenting over love lost or unrequited love.

Things as I said are good. Sometimes not fully 'happy' but then again there are different ways that one can be happy and take heart in things which I'm doing. Happiness isn't being with someone else, it is many things. Mostly it is just a mindset and for the most part I have been happy. Things could be a lot worse. There are things that I'd like or wish could be better, but as a whole… Things are not that bad truth-be-told. I'm living my life and in truth having fun with many things.

I'm not sure if my heart can take the stress of another relationship and might be better off not being in one. I know I am someone special, deserving of something, someone... Even though sometimes I think I'm not. We'll have to see how things go though… I'm not totally closing myself off from things, but also after a lot of soul searching it isn't that I'm not open to being in a relationship, but I am thinking I shouldn't have to lower my standards for one. I did once, and got very burned... I just hope that good things do come to those who wait... That nice guys don't finish last... I just wish I had more patience and understanding years ago.... Sometimes you never know what you have till it's gone they say. *sighs and shrugs* I'm flexible in many regards, but one of the closest relationships I've ever been in took a long while to form and the next one I come into may take that long to form. I do want something of that caliber... That was something special and I believe I deserve something like that, or close to it. I'm trying not to be closed minded, or be stuck up or arrogant... I'm just going to be realistic because it takes a while at least for me to open up to anyone on that deep of a level. Should anyone be willing to try... I'm not going to just jump into anything head first. That's a recipe for disaster. So just going to have to see how things go, if and when that may ever happen...

So you all now know what has had me down here lately. I've just been very quiet about things. I think I need to really take some time to be alone right now... To think about things and work out where I want to go in life. I may not be posting here or really be online much if at all... So this is goodbye in advance...

In the mean time, I plan on enjoying life and things of that nature. There are so many things out there to experience and enjoy. :) I will have to see what tomorrow and other days beyond that bring.
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